sometimes I feel like I am loosing sight of all the people I thought I knew best in this world. Why do people have to change? Or at least, why can't I seem to change along with them? I feel like I am continually the same and am just watching the world change around me.

Where did he go? I don't recognize him half the time anymore. He's hanging out with people he never would have been caught dead with before and whom he has no business spending time around. He's picked up habits he never used to have and says things that sometimes just leave me speechless. I look at him some days and have no idea where he went and who is left in his place.

and it breaks my heart. Can't he see that? Can't he see that he is breaking my heart?

baby, it's cold outside

well, the last time I posted was the first weekend of senior year. Now is the last. my how time flies.

This semester was...different. I encountered many things I never thought I would. And am still going through many of them. We've made it through the first part of STF, announced and managed not to kill one another. That in itself is an amazing feat. I am working with Matthew and Bryan on Ted Tally's Terra Nova as dramaturg. Should be quite the experience.

I am learning how to manage my disease and not overload myself. Saying no is hard, but I'm working on it. Gotta keep that stress level to a minimum. Ha. Got through a nasty bout of flu without landing myself in the hospital, still pretty proud of that accomplishment. Still on a wide assortment of medications, but am managing them well. No liver or kidney complications so far!

Worked on four shows so far this year, so that has been keeping me busy. Did lights for both Town Crier and the UT Sketch Show, did props for The Skin of Our Teeth and directed my first show through the Directing Class One-Acts. All went very well, but am glad to have a bit of a rest before STF is in full production swing. I will probably do the sketch show again and may work on IMF but am not doing the mainstage this spring, which is our once-every-four-years musical.

My next big thing (after finals this week) is finishing up my grad school applications. I am applying to arts leadership/admin programmes at The Theatre School at DePaul University in Chicago, IL and the School of Theatre and Dance at the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa, AL. Both will provide me with a nice culture shock outside of my beloved PWN and have great MFA programmes. It's utterly terrifying to think about next year, and as much as I love being here right now, I'm excited about what my future might hold. The thing most holding me back right now is the thought of all the people I will leave behind here in Tacoma. It breaks my heart to think about not having my beautiful friends around every day. I have been so blessed with the people in my life here.

Though I am doing almost 100% better than before, I still have these massive bouts of missing London. It comes over me in a wave and makes my heart ache. But all this tells me is that I must return someday, I really have no other choice. I left a piece of myself there and must one day go back to reclaim it.

Christmas is nearly upon us once again, and I am excited to spend it with people who speak English this year. I have been baking like mad and got my flat all gussied up with decorations. I'm even looking forward to going home for a week, though am sure will be glad to escape to Portland once New Year's rolls around. I am heading up the 29th or so, to spend Bryan's birthday (the 30th) down there with him and Jenny and then will probably stay around for another week or so before heading back up to Tacoma. I figure that if I am going to pay rent for January, I might as well actually be here. I will spend those two weeks doing intensive research for Terra Nova.

Not too much else to report at this time. Will try and be better about updating this thing, though I doubt anyone reads it anymore.

[massive] life update

it's raining.

hard

and though I've had fantastic music playing for most of the night, this is, currently, the most welcome sound.
i love the rain. I wouldn't be a true Pacific-Northwestern girl if I didn't. Now, thats not to say that I enjoy being caught in it unexpectedly (though that can be fun), but I love sitting in my living room or laying in bed, listening to it hit the roof, pitter-pattering away. I'm always reminded of that rain song in Bambi.
We had Log Jam (club and activities fair here at UPS) on Friday and it rained on and off throughout the whole thing. Most people were [understandably] upset. It was ruining their posters/signs and the blow-up toys needed to be taken down. I, on the other hand, loved every second of it. I felt that Tacoma was just giving a true welcome to all our new freshmen, and reminding them that this is what normal is like and not to get used to the sun.
___

Holy freaking-a.
I am a senior.
No more denying it. the shite has hit the fan. I am a week into my senior year of undergrad.
where, oh where did the last three years go?
my very first class this semester was our Monday STF meeting and that just completely cemented it. Though the majority of us have worked on STF shows before and basically know how it all works, there is something so very strange about being on this side of the process. And we have barely even begun!
I only have classes on Tuesday/Thursdays this semester (plus our two hours on Monday afternoons for STF). It's very strange. And long, as I have all three in a huge block from 9:30-14:00. That is a large chunk of time to be sitting and taking notes, let me tell you.
But, I am uberexcited about said classes this year. I am taking Directing, Theatre History III (we are focusing on Suzan-Lori Parks and August Wilson) and Passion-Based Leadership. It should be a good term.

____

I should have mentioned it a while ago I suppose (but then again, does anyone actually read this thing?) this summer I spent with a bunch of doctors, getting tested for various auto-immune diseases. It has been confirmed that I do have one, but since my blood results keep coming back either negative or inconclusive, I still don't have a firm diagnosis. Which has been exceedingly frustrating. I am on 5 different kinds of medication and as far as I can tell, the doctors keep going back and forth between early-onset RA or Lupus. Both suck. but what sucks more is not actually knowing which it is. People keep trying to tell me that simply having a name for it won't make a difference, but for me it will. It would put my mind so much more at ease, being able to name is awful thing that is (both literally and figuratively) tearing me apart. I am a 21 year old in an 80 year-old's body. and it SUCKS.

____

because of said aforementioned disease, I had to take an early leave of the internship I was doing this summer, which was awful because it was so much fun. I worked as the props master for the Taproot Theatre Company in Seattle (Greenwood area). I made so many amazing friends and really enjoyed doing theatre that was outside of UPS. It was nice to see that theses guys are doing what they love and making a living off of it. They were also so very supportive when I broke the news to them. They have my unending love and gratitude for all the compassion they showed me and all the great things they had to teach as well. I miss them everyday.

____

I can't tell you how excited I am to have all of my friends back on campus finally. Being in Tacoma without them here just constantly felt like something was missing. I kept in good touch with everyone, but it wasn't the same. I hated having my best friends so far away. Though V was close, I sadly didn't make it down to Portland at all. And Bryan wound up all the way on the East Coast, working at a boy's summer camp near Boston. Emily went home to California and Matthew was chilling in Spokane. Claire made it back to Northern Ireland, and though I missed them all terribly, I loved that they all got to have such exciting summers. I am also thankful that I had Megan here with me the whole time. We had many frozen-yogurt adventures. I would have gone crazy without her.

____

though there is a ton more to fill you in on dear readers (ha), it is now nearly 2:30 and I should get some much-needed sleep.

fresh dreams to you all.

holy crap, July is almost gone...

Highlights of the last week or so:

• Amelia and Travis are all moved in. I like having people around again, its nice to know I'm not going home to an empty house, yet again.
  
  
• My brother came for a short visit- he will not be invited back. what a little brat
  
  
• I got a new bed! It's a queen, which I am super stoked about as I have slept in the same twin for the last 15 years or so.
  
  
• Had to get a new distributor for Gloria (my Camry). 4 hours, $400 and a missed day of work later I was on my way. that is the second time this car has left me stranded in Seattle when I really needed to get back to Tacoma. Ugh
  
  
• Had a bunch of blood drawn and sent to a lab for a panel of screenings to find out what the hell is wrong with my joints. Hopefully it won't be anything too serious. I'm starting to get really scared.
  
  
• LOVING my Taproot intern family. We've been making an effort to spend more time together as interns outside of working with the kids and its been a blast. I could not have picked a better group of people to work with. I love them all. It will be sad to see the summer come to a close and have us scatter around the country again, back to our respective schools.
  Last Saturday we bummed around the Seattle Center for the Bite, then saw Smoke on the Mountain Homecoming at Taproot and finished the evening at the Pig'N'Whistle for a drink with Debbie, one of the musical teachers and the SM for SOTMH. Last night we walked in the Greenwood SeaFair parade with some of the little kids and then went down to Gasworks for a show that was celebrating the new moon. It was so much fun! We had a wild and crazy adventure getting down there, which involved much yelling at a GPS system we named Bernice. We finished up the night with burgers, fries and chocolate shakes at Dicks and quick visit to the Freemont Troll (though we need to go back in the daylight). All in all an excellent night!
  

long time no type

If anyone is still actually checking to see if I update this thing, I once again humbly beg your pardon and offer up the only excuse I have: I suck at this. I [once again] promise to be better. Now that one of my jobs involves a lot of computer time, I should be better about it.

Things that are new/have changed since I updated last:

• think I have finally adjusted as much as possible at coming back from London. [About time, huh?] I still miss it every day, but I am not pinning like I was before. and I was even able to sit through an entire movie set in London without needing to turn it off and go cry into my pillow.
• finished my junior year of college and watched as a ton of my friends graduated from UPS and entered the real world. now I'm the senior, and boy-howdy, does that feel strange to say.
• turned 21, went to Sasquatch with Whitney to celebrate and got a new [to me at least] car from my folks. Aaron got me a toaster (which i was actually quite excited about as Tiffany took hers when she moved out).
• as stated above, Tiffany moved out and I have been living by myself for the last month or so. Amelia and Travis will be here in about a week though, so a new roommate adventure will begin.
• I'm [obviously] living in Tacoma for the summer for the first time, which has been interesting so far. Very weird not to have everyone around. Campus is empty, but not (camps coming in and out). I miss having my friends around, not scattered around the country/globe. I will be very excited for them to move back at the end of August.
• have two on-campus jobs and an internship up in Seattle. I work 20 hr/week at CHWS and 10 hr/week at the bookstore. Then four days a week I commute up to North Seattle for my props internship at the Taproot Theatre Company. So far I love it, but am already tired of all the driving. My only downtime during the week is on I-5. It's nice, albeit strange, to have weekends free though.
• my laptop broke, and my mother informed me that she ordered me a macbook this morning as a [very early] graduation present. Sometimes i forget how much I love her.
  
• my baby brother turns 17 in four days- totally freaking me out. The fact that he will be a senior is scarier than that I am going to be. We will graduate within 3 weeks of each other next spring.
• I am still researching grad schools. I think Alabama is out, as they broke off with the Alabama Shake, which is what really drew me to the programme. Instead I am looking more closely at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts school of Production and Design. I still feel quite pulled to go south. But I am also really drawn to The Theatre School at DePaul in Chicago too. Guess it will come down to who wants to give me more money.

Can't think of much else at the moment, but will be sure to let you know when I do.
Excited for the long weekend- Megs and I are road-tripping over to Spokane to hangout with the Jackson family for the 4th. I'm excited.

happy fireworks to you all!

I've spent the last however-long-it's-been-since-i-last-updated-thing-thing terrified to even read back over what I last wrote because I cannot stand the fact that I am not still in London.
I love my life in Tacoma- I have amazing, incredible, wouldn't-trade-them-for-the-world friends who surround me with more love and support than I will ever deserve, but it kills me every day that I am not still in London.
The transition back is the hardest thing I have ever gone [and am still going] through.
I spent a lot of time while over there wishing to be back in Tacoma and now I spend every day wishing I was in London.
Life is just a bitch that way.

I thank God every day for Megan, Matthew, Kate, Bryan and Claire. If I had gone on this programme by myself and not had people back home to share things with, I would not have been able to do this. They keep me going and I am so blessed to have them as my friends.

I was continually told that going abroad would change me. But really, I think it's coming back that has changed me the most.

I'm looking at grad schools now and have an overwhelming desire to go South. Because what conquers change better than even more change? Alabama here I come

Change is inevitable, right?

So I have been back in the States for exactly two weeks today.
And the entire time I've had it shoved down my throat how hard it is going to be to come back. How different things are/are going to be. How much I and other people have changed.

At the moment I feel like I am in some sort of strange limbo--nothing really has changed at home. So all of those warnings just seem stupid and like they don't apply to me.
But in three days (!!!) I return to Tacoma and pick back up on my real life. And I know things have changed there. I know people have changed. I know I have changed. But since it's not staring me in the face at the moment, I don't want to acknowledge it.

To be honest, I am terrified to return to school. I left UPS with firm sense of identity there. I knew where I belonged, who my friends were and what I did. And while in London, the first few weeks all I could think about was getting back to that life that I knew and felt so comfortable in. But slowly, London became my life. And now going back to UPS is scaring the shite outa me and all I can think of is returning to London and what became my life there. I saw the same 14 girls (plus matthew) everyday and its weird to be on my own again. Not to mention no longer sharing a room with Meg.

I guess I just don't know wethere I am scared about not fitting back into my life, or too easily slipping back in. Things did change while I was abroad. And I really like the majority of those changes, especially the ones in myself. I don't want to lose that by going back to who I was, as comfortable as that might have been.

Guess we'll just have to wait and see, huh? 3 days and counting....

Out with the old, in with 2009

So I'm not great at this updating thing. Not that this is news to anyone that actually knows me. But, that is one (of many) on the list of resolutions I have made for 2009.

• Update this blog and my journal faithfully
• Keep my room/house clean
  
• Go to the gym on a regular basis
• Write things down in my planner/ better time management
  
• Cut out all unnecessary stress (ha! we'll see how long this one lasts)
• Embrace the changes in myself and don't simply revert to who I used to be

New Year's was rather uneventful for me- mostly because I kind of missed it. I tried to stay up, but my jet lag got the best of me and I was out by about 9:30. But hey, there's always next year, right?

Going back in time a little bit; I never did write about my trip home. Thankfully, it was rather uneventful. I flew from Trondheim to Amsterdam and then on to London, where I actually went back to Harrow for the night. It was so good to see my English family again, even if only for a few hours. and nice to sleep in my bed again, instead of spending the night in Heathrow. The only down side to this was that I had to get up and be on the 140 bus by 5am to make it back to the airport for my 8:30am flight. Then they couldn't find my ticket info (stupid KLM; never flying with them again). It was a mess. Finally got it sorted out and I was on my way back to Amsterdam and then onto Seattle. It was a long flight, with me leaving Amsterdam at 1:30pm and landing in Seattle at 2:30pm, with almost 10 hours inbetween. And let me tell you, 10 hours is a LONG time to sit next to a very talkative Dutch lady. I now know just about everything about her life. Everytime I thought she was done and I would turn away and put my headphones in, she would tap my shoulder and motion me to take them out again. Ugh. She was nice, but very annoying.
I was so excited to finally land in Seattle; turns out I picked a perfect day to fly in. Sunny, though very cold. And it was so nice to see my mom again. We grabbed my bags and drove straight home. Not only did I pick a perfect day to land in Seattle, but a perfect day to drive over the pass. It closed again the next day, though it was dry and bare for us. It was about 7:30pm WA time when we got home, but 4:30am for me. I was wiped. But I stayed up until Dad came home and then we did Christmas presents right away before I passed out. Unfortunetly I was up at 6am the next morning, because my body thought it was three in the afternoon and time to get my lazy butt outa bed. ugh.
And here it is, a week later and I am still waking up early. at least if I keep this up, it wont be hard to get up for classes!

Christmas part II

I left off on the 26th...Boxing Day to some, Second Christmas Day to the Norwegians.
This time the family came to Grandma and Jan's house, about 20 people in all. Grandma cooked for at least 40. We had a whole extra ham that didn't even get cut into! Good thing I love left-overs! The highlight of this night was the white elephant gift exchange. I started out with a hamburger patty shaper (don't ask) and finished with a big box of chocolate bars, which I was more than happy with, as it just means less for me to buy! It was still kind of hard to be sitting in a room where you don't understand 90% of what is being said, but all in all it was a fun night.

The 27th was another shopping day: returning stuff that didn't fit and buying anything else that I wanted to take home with me. We had dinner at IKEA (such amazing meatballs!) and tried not to think about the fact that I was leaving soon. I spent most of the next day packing (and weighing and repacking and weighing again) and just hanging around the house. We had leftovers and oh, they were just as good. I don't think I will ever tire of turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberries and gravy. One of the best meals ever. Then it was to bed, as we had to leave the house by 10ish to get to the airport in enough time; no sleeping in until noon that day!

My flight went really well, but that is for the next post. All in all, I had a great time in Norway and do not at all regret going, though I did miss my family. Trondheim is a beautiful city and I can see why my grandmother loves it so much there.